You don't get to pick your family..

Is it really improper to dislike your adult children? What about your minor children?

I wrestle with this question often.
Society usually says "yes", yes indeed that is improper behavior.

This is the same society that has a divorce rate over 60%, believes in throw away everything from razors and cars to people and relationships.

My position is this: if the parenting style of mom clashes severely with yours and if you as the father have had no control over how they were raised, little influence in what they did day to day growing up, chances are you won't be thrilled in how your kids turn out.

At that point I guess I have to decide if I like them as people and go on from there.

It is real easy to disassociate from people that one dislikes, You get to pick your friends, and as far as I'm concerned, you get to pick your family as well.

What proof do I have that I can do it better?

My stepson Steven, that's who. When his mother and I decided to get together, I had already been thru several relationships with women who had custody of their kids, and in each and every one, I felt as though I were an outsider.

I had to amend my habits, my way of doing things, my life in order for these relationships to endure. I found myself having in some instances, completely change who I was, and how I went about things.

A mothers' child seldom does wrong in her eyes, and if I were to speak up, there was usually hell to pay.

Well, Steven was at the tail end of those impressionable years, had already suffered through his parents' failed marriage, and a stepfather who was less than ideal. I did not want to spook the kid outright, but had decided that I was not going to be the conformist. I was not changing who or what I was.

Although I was challenged and tested, my limits were probed, and I had to make "adjustments" to my time table, in the end he had a choice, follow my rules and guidelines, follow his instruction, or he could take the easy road and go stay with his biological father.

At 23, he has been on his own, out of our home.  He's now very gainfully employed, is not on any kind of governmental assistance programs, bought his own cars, rents his own apartment, pays his own  utility, insurance and cell phone bills.

He takes care of himself and is truly financially independent. Because someone had the balls to be a father figure to him and set him on the right path.

Being his parent FIRST allowed us to be friends NOW.

And call me old fashioned, but I just happen to think that is how it is supposed to be.

Don't doubt me.

Time is Money...

Time is money because the more time a Dad has his minor children in his home, the less money the court allows the mother in support.

Most custody agreements make the mother the primary or custodial parent, regardless of mitigating circumstances, her past parental performance and life history. In fact, the deciding authority in one of my cases even overlooked a serious violent criminal conviction and later complaints of a violent nature that I presented  along the children's poor academic achievements over several years.  Would one expect such a pass if it were against the father? Highly doubtful.
In short, she calls the shots, whatever she says, goes. No accountability. Dad's input is nil.

I, like many fathers, ended up being the"absent" parent fit years. I didn't care about having  anything to do with my kids. That's how the Moms wanted things too (remember, I'm twice divorced), along with getting paid.
Pay your support, shut up, and don't rock the boat... That is my perception if the system.
Well, after some maturing, I decided that I did not feel comfortable being an absent Dad, nor standing in the sidelines, playing the part of "weekend Dad".

I came to my senses about the time my two youngest were about to enter middle school (junior high to some).
I chose to be involved, to take part. Unlike most, I did something about it, fought the "system" and after a period of time, eventually won the right to spend more than the usual "every other weekend"  with my kids. It took several years, but eventually my kids got to spend Thursday overnights weekly, every other week Thursday after school thru Monday morning, and summers, alternating whole weeks.
It was pretty exciting!

When a man can get the court to award more than the "minimum visitation guideline", it's a big deal, it is a serious accomplishment. That alone should demonstrate something about him. Especially since I did this WITHOUT A LAWYER!

It its a very hard thing to accomplish, many sacrifices have to be made to see it thru. It is especially hard when Dad has to work 1/2 again harder and longer to make ends meet,  as he is supporting two household now.

I wanted my kids to have their own rooms in our home, gadgets, goodies, the whole shot, and that costs money.

We bought a house. We moved into the kid's school district, walking distance from both the middle school and the high school. This eliminated the transportation issues, streamlined things. Most especially, it reduced my having to have contact with the kids mother.
We let the kids  know that they were welcome any time, just let someone know you are coming, the house is always open to them, but, unless there is a damn good reason, my kids cannot visit me outside of the established parameters of the order. I'll go into that whole deal another time.

When a parent hinders their teenage children from visiting the other parent, who is practically in the neighborhood, you can bet that there are problems ahead. It's time for her to make them NOT want to visit Dad at all!

If you are "DOING IT FOR THE KIDS" you may be a fool.....I was.

For years I was the irresponsible one, if the system wanted that money, by golly they needed to TAKE it from me. That went on for years, but in the end, as long as a guy is working, above board and not under the table, the system gets her what she is owed. The system is very creative, but so am I, I went so far as to not file income tax returns for the fact that the COURT would seize my refunds and sent them to the ex.

Then I got smart. That was not the way to live, not the example to be setting for my kids, not that it mattered, as it turns out, my examples were never noticed, never reinforced, never taken in by them. The exwives never wanted my children to take up anything after me, absorb and of my values, live by any of my examples.

I decided to set the good example ,be the nice guy, help out however I could. I fixed cars to help save her money, made home repairs to help save her money, loaned vehicles so her and my kids would have transportation, my current wife and step-son juggled work schedules so that those kids would have someone at home to stay with during summer vacation (remember, Dads are lucky to get two weeks in summertime).
I encouraged my current wife to be accommodating, be nice, it would "soothe and streamline" relations. "Do it for the kids." I said.

And then it came time to act on that deal the ex made with us, it came time to knock off that $3000 from the arrears that I had incurred. We had made a deal and it was time to cash out.

"No, I don't think so," she said with a smug smirk, "I changed my mind".  It was made clear, there would be NO reduction, of ANY kind.

I know she was thinking to herself  "HAHAHA! SUCKERS!"

One of the common threads you will notice throughout this blog is just how bad of a control freak these women are. They want us to be absent but paying fathers, pay with no say, I firmly believe that this is a common issue we non custodial fathers have with ex wives.

That was the very instant that the TRUE creature I was dealing with emerged, it was the instant that all my benefit of doubt evaporated. That was the moment that my wife's words of concern rang true. She was getting all her support, and I was paying my "calculated formula" daycare expenses all the while the kids were in MY HOME during that period of time.

At that moment, I woke the hell up and saw things for how they truly are, and how they have truly been.

I only could hope that as time went on, and as they got older, so would my kids. And looking at how things stand now, it does not look as though that is the case.

Rewarding Failure, the way to "buy" your kids' allegiance and put the Dad in a bad light...

Let's talk privileges. Let's talk school.

Remember how for most of us, how your performance in school directly reflected on your privileges or rewards? My kid's are seldom held to any standards. My ex actually told me that kid's should always get what they want, because if you provide them with what they desire, in turn, they will perform to expectation.

Well she gives them what they want,and my ex gets her expectations fulfilled, and it had not a damn thing to do with kids' school performance.

My daughter wanted to participate on the school swim team, this meant some financial liability as well as transportation and adapting schedules to accommodate her participation.
My Daughter, her mother, and I discussed and agreed to certain terms, right here on my front porch one afternoon. I was willing to participate to the level expected provided she mind her chores, and maintained no less than a "C" grade in each class in school.

My daughter wasted no time in blowing off chores, and quickly moved into  less that the expected grade in several classes. She got to participate anyway, her mom made sure of it.

The ex, allowing for the participation regardless of the agreement cemented the idea to my daughter that dad is just  a bad, bad guy.

My youngest son has failed every class the least two years, and is currently failing each enrolled class so far this year, but was rewarded with a new motorcycle dirt bike by his mother this past summer. That's several thousand dollars of reward for continuous failure.

The real reason I believe she bought this prize for him in my opinion was to "buy" his allegiance, because when I raised questions about this, and I told my boy just how I saw this, as an outright bribe, a reward for failure that I could not compete with,  my son stormed off and has not been back to my home for my scheduled parenting time since, all by his choice. That was June 2013. I should note, that my current court order for parenting time is just days shy of a 50/50 split of time between my home and the ex's.

Translation? Less money to her pocket. The end game is to convince the court at a later time that since my son isn't visiting at my home, that she should be entitled to a reassessment where support is concerned.

Just starting out...

Happy New Year!
I will be 50 years old this spring, and have decided that all the deceptive tactics, heartbreak and destruction that has been my life needed to be told. I find it stunning just how manipulative, greedy, spiteful and vindictive women can be toward a man.

I'm far from a deadbeat, I always maintained good gainful employment. In my younger years, like many other young divorced fathers, I allowed the defunct, woman biased court system of divorce, custody and support agencies envelope me into a disallusioned, angry young man.
As time passed, and time imparted wisdom upon me, I began to understand that I have "allowed" this system to shape and mold me.  and allowed mothers and court systems to utilize my children as a weapon against me.
I have, at a minimum, 3.5 years left paying support on my two youngest children.
During the course of this blog, I will reflect on situations and circumstances from mainly my point of view of life after divorces with kids...the personal struggles, the tribulations endured.
 I have five kids total, I became a father at the ripe old age of 21, My eldest daughter will be 29 this year.
My first marriage ended and I remarried, and fathered two children with my second wife, a son, and a daughter. Upon the failure of that marriage, a reconciliation (no remarriage) took place with wife #1, and in 1998 a daughter was born.  My last child was born in 1999, He will be 15 this spring.
I currently am estranged from all but my youngest daughter. We will fill in a lot of blanks as time goes by...
So check frequently, and ask questions.